Where do I begin?
I’m emotional af right now so what better time to write a public blog about my internal struggles? (lol) For a long time (even up until this moment) I’ve been afraid to share the depth and layers to who I am. Sure, I’ve used Instagram as a space to blog about personal moments but somehow, it felt private and separate from this “other” identity I have on various corners of the internet.
I’ll tell you now - if you’re here for a curated, well written “package” of information or “how-to’s”, I suggest you stop reading.
This is my place to just write and share because everyday I meet more people, Bengali women in particular, that resonate with what I am feeling and honestly, I am lonely. In this very moment, as I ramble on.. I am so damn lonely. From the outside looking in, maybe it looks like everything is awesome, and things are awesome but things are especially layered af and there’s so much nuance to simply becoming. That’s what’s happening right now, I am becoming.
You know, sometimes when I’m behind on deadlines I wish I could just say shit like “my bad, I’m healing childhood trauma that I still wear on my skin” or maybe “whoops, I don’t have guidance or comfort from parental figures, so I’m a little frazzled”. Can we normalize this? (lol) For some, you might read this as “trauma porn” or “vulnerability porn” but I really just can’t carry what OTHER people may be feeling or thinking about MY decision to be open and share personal things. If it’s not for you, cool. No judgement, but please don’t judge me. We aren’t meant to be put together, we aren’t meant to have these marketing and branded identities that fit the scope you need for a particular target audience. I am beyond labels, I am human. I am a woman that is experiencing so many “firsts” (does that need quotes? lolll), I am realizing so many truths and the biggest one of all is - I don’t know shit.
This is a place for me to practice my writing, to cultivate community and really just act as a public diary. I hope you can appreciate that. (Especially if you’re a brand or conference coordinator that’s looking to book me for a talk.)
Alas, here some things that are on my heart and maybe they’ll resonate with you:
We are carrying so many versions of ourselves, realizing so many parts of who we are - it’s okay to be unsure.
My therapist taught me something awesome - in order to heal your inner child, you have to honor and recognize that your inner child is hurt. “I see you baby girl, I am working on healing what’s hurting you. I’ve got you, and I am holding space for you. I love you” - wow, literally crying saying it out loud but apparently it’s going to help with my healing journey.
How can I cultivate an environment that honors my hormonal phases? (idk, I’m thinking about it)
If you knew me 4 months ago even, assume that you don’t know me at all. The growth has been exponential. I myself have had a hard time keeping up.
I am thankful I write love letters to myself, to honor the work I am putting in. I see you Tazin, I see you.
Welp, not sure there’s really “purpose” to this blog or sharing. But again, if you’re here for a purpose idk if you’re going to be satisfied. I’m really just trying to figure it out.
Love you baby girl. (me to me)
xx